listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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