I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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