My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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