she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
