my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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