So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
