Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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