I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
