Swine flu. Run for my life!
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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