Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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