I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
