Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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