Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
