I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
