Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
