Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
