It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
