Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
