I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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