I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
