I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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