Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Randomize
