I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
