Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
