awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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