ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
