He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
