Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
