There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
