I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i think i just lost a toe
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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