After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
