yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
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The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
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We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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