Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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