I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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