Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
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I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
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Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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