I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
