Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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