I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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