I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize