So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
