Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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