dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
