I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
