Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
