I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
