she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
