everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
