I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
