i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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