I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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