So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
