I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
