I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
