he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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