Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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