I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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